Susanne chats about how she has been confronted with how she’s been seeking outside validation from others to showcase her success.
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Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Pointe To Rise podcast. I want to talk to you about something that came up for me this week, my perpetual need to find validation outside of myself. Here’s where I recognized it showing up. I’m in several masterminds on Tuesdays, but I needed to share what was coming up in this particular mastermind. And we were talking about money and success, and it was a bit off the topic, but it just flew out of my mouth, followed by a flood of tears. I am seeking validation from my mother.
I was shocked because I thought that I don’t need that anymore. I don’t; I’m not looking for this; it’s not essential for me, but it still is. It’s deep down in my subconscious somewhere. So we took this apart and became very aware of my story around validation and my journey around seeking validation from other people. I can’t stress how these containers are so valuable.
I have to say that truly is the story of my life. I remember back to everything that I did as a child or then in ballet school and on stage was always to seek validation of my worth. And other people in other circumstances, and it didn’t matter what I had to do, how much I had to bend as, I didn’t even allow myself to blossom and to figure out who I was. I just followed what was expected of me or what I thought I needed to do to be seen, heard, and loved, thoroughly and accepted. Quite honestly, it goes all the way to this morning in the gym. So my heart monitor wasn’t working. It was a new one, and I was looking at it, and I found myself consistently checking. Have I reached a peak level of working hard enough? This device was my validation that I am working out at the peak level.
Instead of asking the question or asking for help. Instead of not doubting myself and doubting my gut. No, I completely threw myself, my self-belief, under the bus and said, okay, no, Susi, you have to work harder, harder, harder.
I was getting outside validation from this little app that tells you whether or not you’re doing a good job. That is my job, not the responsibility of the app. It is also not somebody else’s responsibility to tell me that I am doing a great job. That’s a bonus. It’s on us, on every single person, to know intrinsically if we’re doing our very best.
I was sweating, I was exhausted, and I was doing all the things. I was lifting 15-pound weights. I should have known better. That was all I had to give at that particular point. And at that specific moment, I pushed harder and harder, but since I didn’t get the outside validation I was looking for, I pushed harder and harder and harder. That is not our way to success. That is not our way to fulfillment and true joy. I found an article this morning, and I’m going to Pre phase here, “actually, the root cause of most approval-seeking behavior is self-esteem this sense of inferiority arises from many factors. Some relate to your natural personality, while others stem from external influences, such as our upbringing, cultural experiences, education, and our work life.”
Take an example. A person’s self-belief is that they don’t know who they are, what their worth is, and what they are capable of, along with being self-critical. Remember how I said I threw myself under the bus. That is the best analogy that I can use here. We’re not sticking up for ourselves.
We are the first person that throws ourselves under the bus. That steps you away from really honoring who we are. We’re not our very best friend. We’re not standing up for ourselves; that’s not okay.
Let me offer you a few prevalent behaviors when trying to get approval or validation from others.
You are taking disagreement personally when someone disagrees with something you have said or done. You are shredding it apart. You’re blaming the other person for saying what they’re thinking. You are spending weeks upon weeks feeling upset about these kinds of comments.
You are changing or adapting your perspective and face the fear that the other person could disapprove of your opinion. I would sway in my views. I was afraid to say ‘No’ for fear it would not meet another’s perspective.
Another is out of fear of disapproval from somebody else. We fear the disapproval of that other person because our worth, our self-worth, depends on that other person.
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We are receiving attention through gossiping and accepting that kind of behavior. We’re aligning with other people when they are gossiping.
These are just a few surface-level behaviors, and when we dive deeper to the root level, we uncover that we have a story there.
Think back, how you behave, how you live through your day, what you are doing. I encourage you and invite you to look through your lens of validation. Are these kinds of behavior showing themselves in your day? Are they seeking validation from others?
It’s not going to stop the moment you step into the studio or the theater. For we have all heard the phrase, “leave your problems at the door.”
It’s not going to stop. You are going to take that with you because it has become your default behavior. And with that, you’re putting so many roadblocks in your way.
I’m going to give you an example that I had to work through. And I’m just at the beginning of it because it wasn’t apparent to me.
When you start a new business, you have to take action. You have to make many decisions, and there will not be anybody telling you whether or not it’s right or wrong.
Well, the reason why I didn’t take action because I was looking for validation from other people, whether or not I’m doing the right thing.
Had I actually had an awareness of this kind of behavior in my career, or even in my corporate life where, by the way, I also perpetually was seeking validation and attention from other people to prove myself, my self-worth. And that holds you back. It’s just, ‘he’s’ not going get it done. ‘He’s’ not going to take inspired action. ‘He’s’ not going to step outside of your comfort zone. Do you believe that it’s somebody else’s job is to tell you that you’re doing a great job?
No, my loves, that is your responsibility. Somebody else telling you that is a bonus, but finding it for yourself first and seeking it consistently from the outside makes you dependant on other people. It takes your power away. It takes your decision-making away. You will always live in this perpetual energy-draining wheel that you created when you’re looking for validation from the outside.
Take a moment and write down do you think you are having your own self-worth attached to? Is it to other people, or do you honestly know? You are worthy, and you deserve everything you want. And if that’s not the case, go reach out, find some help, talk to other people about it.
Well, that’s what I have for you today.
You are worth it.
You deserve everything you want, and nobody in this world can take this away from you or make you.
No one can make you believe that it is your job to please them.
I’m sending you so much love, have an excellent rest of your day, and don’t forget, subscribe, share, leave a review. It would mean the world to me.
All right. My loves. Thank you so much for reading.
So much ❤
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About Susanne Puerschel
Susanne, Founder of Pointe To Rise, an Empowerment society for dancers and other artists, Wellness Entrepreneur, podcast host, former international ballerina, and an experienced principal chief executive officer had the privilege to grow up behind the iron curtain in Berlin, Germany.
She’s dedicating her time now, after working in cooperate America and running her own businesses, to building community among dancers and artists, providing mindset and high-performance coaching, and building a media company that will be the springboard to revitalizing the Arts.