The need to earn another’s love, a conversation with Jessica Hendrick.

Podcast

October 8, 2021

 

Jess is a professionally trained, conscious relationship coach, occupational therapist, unhealthy patterns, toxic dynamics, subconscious mind, healthy fulfilling connections, recovering perfectionist, unconscious beliefs, self-improvement, societal programming, limiting belief.

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The need to earn another’s love, a conversation with Jessica Hendrick.

Who is Hendricks?

Jess is a professional trained, conscious relationship coach and occupational therapist with a focus on mental health. Her specialty is guiding her clients to release unhealthy patterns, like dating the same person in a different body, recreating the same toxic dynamics, triggers, and reactions and attraction to unavailable people. This is so that they can finally experience fulfillment and connection in a relationship. Jess works with anyone who’s struggling and all types of relationships, including your relationship with yourself.

Jess’ life has been her case study and she has really been through it all, when it comes to relationships. By working on herself, she was able to change the course of her life and now guides her clients to do the same. She ultimately guides her clients to uncover beliefs in the subconscious mind that are creating discord in your relationships. Working with Jess will give you the gift of awareness of your patterns, so that you can reclaim your power. This will help you finally shift your relationship dynamics by going within and shifting the way you show up. This is how we optimize and heal our relationships from the inside out.

 

Details about Jessica Hendricks’s story

My name is Jess and I’m a conscious relationship coach. What that means is, I guide people to improve their relationships, even your relationship with yourself. It is the most important relationship because it sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. If you’re not okay, within yourself, it’s going to be challenging to relate to other people and have healthy fulfilling connections or navigate things that are challenging. I am a recovering perfectionist, and I still say recovering. I think there’s something about the world of dance because I remember when I was a little girl in ballet, I just had this idea in my head, that I had to be perfect and that nothing I did was ever good enough. As we grow and learn about the world, between the ages of zero and seven, we decide our beliefs about the world; our core beliefs based on our environment, our home life and how our caregivers or parents interact with us. One of the beliefs that I had was that I have to be perfect, to be lovable.

For people who are in the performing arts, I’m sure you’ll relate to this story. When I was a little girl, I was at a ballet recital and my dad was in the audience. I was trying very hard to be perfect. I would do a little dance, then run off the stage and cry to my dad. He would say “Go back, go back!” and I would go back, join the group, do the dance again, then run back and cry. Looking back, I can see why that happened. My dad was wondering what on earth was happening, but I just felt so much pressure to be perfect and I couldn’t be enough no matter what I tried. That belief has followed me because it’s been in my subconscious since I was a little girl. It shows up in every area; in relationships, my work life, finances, and all kinds of things. I’m really passionate about helping people that identify any beliefs, patterns, and programs that may be served you for a time, or we thought it served us. We developed it to survive in our environment and it’s not serving us anymore.

I guide people to shine a light, uncover those unconscious beliefs that are not supporting us and what we want to create. At the end of the day, looking at that belief that I had, and still comes up once in a while, perfect doesn’t exist. It’s like a relative truth, an arbitrary concept, like what’s perfect to me won’t be perfect to you or to people listening. We’re therefore striving for this imaginary ideal and keeping ourselves in chains. To me, perfection is just being the truth of who you are; showing up as your authentic, true self. Just trusting that as you honor and love yourself, all parts of yourself; the light, the dark, and everything in between, will guide you to your purpose, passion, and what you’re here to do in the world. That was kind of a long tangent, but this is what I help my clients with. I work with people one on one and also work with couples because what happens is our relationships mirror those beliefs back to us. For many years, I would date men who would reflect back to me that I wasn’t enough and not perfect. It was really, really painful until I did this work.

I then realized with a coach, that I have all these beliefs, that’s what’s creating this dynamic and then I could shift it. Most of us will just live at the effect of “our story” for the rest of our life. You actually have the power to consciously choose what you’re creating. In order to do that, we need to uncover beliefs, patterns, and programs that are keeping you in that same story because it will keep repeating. It doesn’t matter whether you come to me, to work on your relationship with yourself, your partner, or family; the theme is going to be the same throughout because it’s created by your own mind.

 

About the subconscious and superconscious

I’m not exactly sure about the superconscious and can’t speak to that. The subconscious, the unconscious, is basically beliefs that we’ve thought so many times that we believe them to be an ultimate truth. They’re actually just created from our experiences, so if we have a certain experience as a child, and decide in our mind, that it’s because I’m not enough, we have that belief imprinted in our subconscious. We then go through life, looking through that filter and we’ll find evidence to support that belief. There could be 100 people in front of us; 98% of them will reflect back that we’re more than enough, 2% will reflect that we’re not enough and we will gravitate toward that 2% because of the filter that we’re looking through.

It’s tough because it’s unconscious, which means we’re not aware of it. What we want to do is bring the unconscious or the subconscious beliefs, conscious and look at them and see what we are doing and dealing with here. Some of them really helped us like, how to drive a car, ride a bike, brush your teeth and all of those are programmed into the subconscious. It’s amazing and it helps us make sure we can focus on what we need to focus on. However, there are certain beliefs that we would like to shift and clear out and those are the ones that I can help you with. This is so that you can really experience freedom because it’s about freeing yourself from these ideas and limitations because truly, the only limitation is our own mind and thinking.

 

Why isn’t this being taught?

In my opinion, this should be taught as a basic thing from the time we’re little kids and I believe and pray that it’s shifting. If we knew from the time we were little, that you can create, do and have whatever you desire, then we won’t have to go back, as adults and uncover these things that are holding us back. I also think it’s kind of part of the human experience because no matter how beautiful our childhood, no matter how wonderful our parents were, there’s always going to be some level of imprinting that is limiting. I think it’s a little bit of a vehicle for evolution to when we can realize that “this is contrast and this is what I don’t want, so what do I want on the other side of the coin? How can I use the contrast?”

For example, I really want to move out of LA, because I’ve lived here for 16 years and I don’t want to be in a busy city, around so many people. What’s the opposite of that? I want to live in a peaceful, quiet, beach town. You can use your life, if you’re in one of those times where it’s feeling dark, you’re feeling uncertain or lost, look at what’s contributing to that. That is because our emotions are our messengers, what’s not working and then what would work for me and It helps us gain clarity. I think it’s a bit of an evolutionary process for us as humans, but we should be taught this in school, it would be super helpful. Another benefit of doing this work with people is, you can create a ripple effect. As you start to practice this and do your own healing, you can have a ripple effect on every relationship in your life, with your family, friends, children and you can model it for them. They can see and learn by demonstration, by witnessing you, which is such a gift, especially for children.

 

Changing the next generation

We carry seven generations of energy and patterns from our family and that’s just the family. We can go so far into this energy topic, but seven generations back and then we impact seven generations forward. You therefore really take ownership and agency over your life and decide that this stops with me; this pattern that’s been passed down unconsciously through generations stops with me. It’s like thank you very much for the lesson but this is what I’m going to create. None of us do it perfectly, it doesn’t mean that we’re not going to make “mistakes” with our children or relationships, but just that intention sets things in motion to do things differently. It’s very powerful and if we blow it, then we get to practice. How do I relate in a conscious, loving manner? How do I take care of myself and the people that I’m with? Life gives us these learning opportunities and you never know when one’s going to strike.

 

Dealing with perfectionism

Perfectionism is a tricky one because we can just find any way to use it. In self-improvement and development, one thinks they have to do that perfectly and good luck because that’s impossible as well. Perfect doesn’t exist, but we have to love that part of ourselves that feels the need to be perfect. If we judge and condemn it making it wrong, it doesn’t help. It’s like criticizing ourselves doesn’t work, so what if we just love that part of ourselves that learned to survive in that way and just have grace and compassion for that piece of ourselves. It was something we learned to survive, to be included, in tribe, our family, in the world of dance or performing arts or whatever it was. It’s a survival pattern and so we just have to understand where it comes from and love that part of ourselves where it felt like we had to be perfect to be loved or to survive.

As far as it looking like you are standing at the bottom of a huge mountain, wondering where to even go or how to start. I was actually reading one of my old journal entries from six or seven years ago. My thing is relationships, and my biggest challenge in my life has been relationships. This is why I’m here, to guide and lead other people because I truly get it. In my journal, I was saying, “I know that my worth comes from within me, and I know that I’m seeking it outside of myself, in men. I know that that’s not the path, but what is the path? How do I get to that place that I know exists? I don’t even see it because I can’t even comprehend what it would be.” Something in me, however, knew that what I’m doing isn’t working.

 

Seeing the path

If we believe there isn’t a way, then guess what, we’re not going to find a way. It’s tough because I spent years severely depressed, like really in the darkness. I learned, thank God, how to think differently, and it wasn’t in one day, but I did know something because in my former life, I was an occupational therapist. I rehabilitated stroke patients and I have seen the power of our mind to rewire, whether it’s for physical or mental ability. I’ve seen people who’ve had strokes and couldn’t walk, end up being able to walk again. The brain has the ability to create new neural pathways.

One of my favorite questions is; what if there’s away? What if I just can’t see it yet, but what if?

That just opens up a little crack in the perception of, maybe there is a way and when you ask, you will be shown. For me, the book that actually started me on this path was You can heal your life by Louise Hay. She explains it so simply how the subconscious works, how to start shifting the way you’re thinking, and affirmations. What I believe about affirmations is like it starts to open your eyes to a wider perception. Even if you can’t see the way, but you’re just willing to see it differently, that’s enough and you’ll be shown.

 

Everything starts in our mind

Everything starts in our minds. Think about the chair you’re sitting on, somebody imagined that in their mind, and nowhere it is. Same thing for what we want to create in our lives; we need to imagine and envision, so part of this work is going in and clearing out beliefs that aren’t serving us. Then the second piece is actually creating a vision that we choose to move into and taking aligned action toward that vision. Really just knowing that we need to take the next step or the next right action, we don’t have to see the entire staircase, we just have to see what the next step is. Tuning in with yourself and your intuition is important because the societal programming around is like, the answers are out here or you’re not enough no matter what you try or do, it’s like madness. The truth is in here, within us and when we get quiet, when we meditate, when we pray, we can actually hear the guidance that’s within us, which is different for everybody. What’s right for you isn’t going to be what’s right for me because it’s individual.

God bless my parents, but I was telling them the other day about how I just use my intuition to make decisions and they were shocked. What about this and that, we were having a little bit of a heated conversation and I told them about how I just truly check in with myself and ask myself; does this feel okay for me? Is this aligned for me or not?  I wasn’t like that, before, I would be asking every person what they think I should do and trying to prove my worth to men who weren’t in the place to have a relationship. It was a very painful existence. I’m grateful that it’s more common knowledge now, that we can go on Instagram, talk to coaches or therapists and really access our power in ways that really weren’t available for our parents when they were young. They did the best they could with what they know, but this whole concept of going within and the answers are within me, I think, makes my dad thinks I’ve lost my mind.

 

People’s need for validation

We want to get away from externally referencing our worth and value, we want to come back to internally referencing it and knowing that we’re worthy and loveable because we exist. That isn’t what we’re taught and it doesn’t have to take a long time. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Are you okay with what you’re getting, and if you are, that’s beautiful, continue? If you’re not, then this is a path to start creating freedom for yourself. Little things can start to shift your perception, your outlook, and opportunities will just come into your life.

I thought, just as an example of a limiting belief, “who am I to change careers and become a relationship coach? It’s too late, I’m too old, and so on.” My coach, who helps me uncover my subconscious beliefs, said to me, “I’d like to offer you a different perception. What if instead of saying ‘it’s too late, I’m too old to change careers’, what if you ask, ‘how many people could I help? How many people could I serve?'” Taking it out of my own ego story and limitation, I realized that even if I just helped one person, I would do this for free. This is what I’m here on this planet to do.

That shift in perception, little by little, it’s like you build a house, lay one brick, another brick, and before you know it, you’re an entirely different person. My first clients were actually my friends and they looked at me and wondered what I was doing differently because I was like 180 degrees opposite from who I was a few years ago. They said, “I don’t know what you’re doing, but I need to know what it is because I want to create change in my life.” One of my clients is one of my closest friends and was one of my first clients. It’s just very beautiful to see the changes he has created in his life as a result of just saying yes to himself.

Just say yes to yourself and you’ll be guided to the right book coach therapist program. You’ll be guided but just say yes to you because you’re worth it. A lot of people have challenges around like investing in themselves and I get that because that was me too. What I really have seen every single time is every time I invest in myself, it comes back to me tenfold. That’s another invitation to show the universe that I’m worth this. I trust in the flow of giving and receiving and I’m gonna give myself this gift.

 

The need to earn another’s love

It’s very risky to build our home in another person because it’s like your oxygen, and when everything’s going well, it’s great, but when it isn’t, it’s really scary and you feel like you won’t survive. It’s a practice of continuing to come back home to yourself and really learn how to show up for yourself, how to regulate, how to know what your triggers are, and how to navigate that. It’s also important to know how to manage your past trauma so that it doesn’t come here, front and center, activating things in your current relationships. However, if it does, then what do you do when that happens? These are all things that I help people with that I’m so passionate about. It was so hard for me to have relationships, from the time I was a little kid because of what I grew up with in my home and it just translated into every relationship, especially romantic ones. If I can change this, anyone can.

 

You’re not alone and I would strongly recommend getting yourself some support, whatever that looks like. When we think we have to do it alone, which is another common belief people have; I am in this on my own, I have to do it alone, I am alone. It’s not the truth either, just like it’s not the truth that we have to earn love. It’s just that we are meant to do this in tribe, in community, so I would recommend finding somebody who is maybe just a couple of steps ahead of you on their journey. Get some support from them, hire a therapist, hire a coach and join a program. Really tune in and get to know what the most supportive thing for you would be and then follow that.

 

Getting to know one’s subconscious beliefs

We are still learning to use our voice as women and that’s actually true. Think about your mum, her mum; did they speak their truth? Did they honor their truth, did they honor themselves? The answer is usually no, so our generation is here to free ourselves and learn to speak authentically, from a place of truth, love and vulnerability. That itself is rewiring as you create those experiences. The subconscious beliefs will get very loud when we are in uncomfortable situations. Therefore in case you are curious about what your limiting subconscious beliefs are, think about when you are in an undesirable situation or relationship dynamic that’s not flowing and listen to the story your brain spins. Examples are; I am alone, no one cares, this always happens and you will start to hear the tape playing and just observe it.

 

It is so interesting that what we’ve learned is kind of the framework through which we view the world. Using the analogy of a tree, if you’re going into your subconscious, you can look at the leaves of this tree which are like the circumstances of your life (the surface stuff). You could otherwise choose to go down to the root which is the belief system, actually address the root and then it will shift every area of your life. That’s how powerful this work is. You can create whatever you desire but we need to get in there and help you shift the beliefs that aren’t serving you. Otherwise, they are going to keep operating and you’ll wonder; why a particular thing keeps happening, why you keep dating the same person in a different body, why in every job you have, you and your boss don’t get along. Those are all the surface things and I want to help you free yourself so that you can have a more fulfilling enjoyable life ad relationships.

 

Advice to your younger self

I usually ask my clients this question, a lot of the time, to go back to a certain age. I would tell my 16 year old self that everything is going to work out in ways that she could not even imagine. That it is really all guided and she doesn’t have to worry so much and all the things on top of her mind, right now, are definitely important. I would let her know that I hear and see her, she’s going to have everything she wants and more. She will be able to help many people because of the challenges that she’s going through. So even when it feels awful and painful, there’s a purpose for it and that’s part of our journey here. We are to take our challenges and our adversity, then use it first to help ourselves and then pay it forward and help other people, which is why we are here, in my opinion. I would just tell her that it is all going to be okay.

 

How to contact Jess

You can find me in a lot of places; on Instagram (@coachjesshendrick), my website which is jesshendrick.com, on YouTube, Google My Business, and all these other things. If you just type in Jess Hendricks, you should find a lot of things.  If you go to my Instagram or website, there’s a place to book your consul calls, so to give you the path of resistance to make this super easy, go there and let me know that you heard about me on Susan’s podcast and we’ll get you set up or your session.

I see how the power of this work and how much it has changed my life and changed the lives of so many people, so I really want people to experience it for themselves. If you want to learn more and continue after this session, that is cool and I will give you a special offer. I really just want to help people to find their peace and love within themselves more than anything.

 

 

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